It was my golden birthday this year. I turned 28 on the 28th. I think that’s cause for a special day. My birthday was amazing and special, you pretty much can’t have a bad day when you spend it doing things for others. Amidst the chaos of planning 28 RAOKs I did do one thing for myself though, something special and something I have been struggling with for months now. I don’t get personal too often or share private things but this is especially close to my heart and warrants sharing.
Remember that one time I was pregnant? Me too. Do you remember when I used to call my sweet girl “Golden”? I do too. I remember the moment that name came to me and it just fit. The name immediately painted a picture of who this baby girl would be. As you know we did not name her “Golden”. “Dempsey” was mine and Bret’s second choice and since neither of us was crazy about the other’s first choice we compromised and went with our #2 pick. Compromising is what you are supposed to do after all. I really love the name “Dempsey” but to be honest I have had the hardest time connecting to it. Since I liked the name “Dempsey” so much I thought that if we named her that it would become her name after calling her that enough times. While I think it fits her fine I still hesitate inside each time I call her that, sometimes even tasting it in my head before calling it out forcing myself to get used to it. Most of the time I call her Cookie instead because I feel like “Dempsey” lacks sincerity when I say it. Cookie is an adorable nickname but it also lacks sincerity from me. After several months I still hadn’t adjusted to her name, I was really struggling inside not knowing what to do. Sometimes I thought I was just being stubborn or selfish and that I should just let go of the idea but then other times I would mourn at the idea of never calling her Golden and so I would start the name change process. Am I sounding crazy yet? I normally don’t hesitate to do things that might not be socially accepted and with no regard for what people will think or say about me (haters gonna hate) but with this I am especially sensitive and worry about the inevitable judgements an scoffs. If I am being true to myself, my beliefs, my likes, dislikes and my feelings then nothing really holds me back from doing what feels right to me, usually. In this situation however, her dad’s opinion also matters and so we proceeded to have many late night talks about it and what we should do. We both agree that “Dempsey” has become a part of her now and should remain her first name since it was her first given name. In addition to Dempsey though we are amending her name to include Golden as well. Her legal name will be Dempsey Golden Bradley Crosby. I didn’t want to replace her middle name because Bradley comes from my twin who is very special to me. This means little girl gets to have an extra name because she is extra special.
As I battled with myself back and forth it all boiled down to the simple fact that I knew I would never be able to let go of “Golden”. There is so much meaning and feeling behind that name for me it just needs to stay with her, even if I am the only one who calls her that. I gifted her name amendment to myself for my golden birthday, kind of fitting don’t ya think? As I was debating on whether to share her name change publicly 2 things gave me the confirmation and confidence to do so. I purchased these tiny golden booties long before I was even pregnant with her (talk about premonition), the second was a post I wrote while I was still pregnant with her. While talking about why I chose the name Golden I wrote “I like the picture it paints of her in my mind. I hope she is golden and that she brings light to everyone around her as she does to me… A sunny girl with big bright eyes that carries happiness and purity wherever she goes.” Before I had even met her I had this picture of who she would be and oh my stars does she fit that description perfectly all the way down to her big bright eyes! To me “Golden” describes who she is and her affect on those around her. She is golden and bright and so she will always be Golden to me.
I don’t ask that anyone call her Golden unless you want to but at least when I call her that you will know why. To some people names are just names and to other people names are inspired and carry meaning. In this case I am one of the latter people and so I just have to be me and stick with what feels right, regardless of how cooky it may seem. One thing is for certain, she is a ray of light in my life and I am so blessed have her. She overwhelms me with happiness.Back to Blog